Tuesday, 23 November 2010

The X Factor Drinking Game

Regular TV or not TV readers will know that I love to hate The X Factor, which is currently in the midst of another season of unrelenting hype and media attention.

But I can appreciate that there are many people out there who, to quote Wes Mantooth in Anchorman, “pure, straight hate” Simon Cowell’s cash juggernaut.

So for those of you out there in that futile struggle to escape X Factor’s all-encompassing grasp I have devised a game that will help you to just accept your fate and welcome this mind-numbing, car crash piece of television in to your life – and what better way to do that than through copious amounts of alcohol!?

(It really is the only way to navigate two hours of this unadulterated gash.)

Thus I present to you TV or not TV’s patented X Factor drinking game…!

I should probably just get the standard drinking isn’t big and certainly isn’t clever speech in before I begin, because as much as X Factor might make you want to take your drinking to levels not seen since Oliver Reed’s days you should still try and drink responsibly as alcohol can seriously damage your health and let’s be honest:- no one likes a drunk…

So with those famous last words out of the way, for this game you will need an alcoholic beverage of the long variety (beer, cider, wine etc.) and the spirit(s) of your choice to use for your short drink(s), or shots as they will henceforth be referred to (the stronger the better – this is X Factor after all).

NB. If at any point during the onslaught of emotional manipulation you just can’t take it anymore you could always substitute any of the above for anti-freeze…

The following can be applied to any season of X Factor featuring the current configuration of format, judges and host (2010 specials follow at the end):

JUDGE/PRESENTER SPECIFIC:

Louis Walsh:

Take a drink every time Louis Walsh says any of the following:

- “Simon, Simon, Simon…” whilst screeching like a girl as Cowell talks over him

- “I want you in the final”

- “You remind me of a little/young… (insert name of performer here – usually highly racist)”

- “I want the people at home to vote for you”

- “I liked it”

And do a shot if he says the ultimate X Factor cliché:

- “You made it your own” (double up that shot if they most certainly did not make it their own).

- Finish your drink if you spot him clapping along like a retarded seal at any point.

Simon Cowell:

Take a drink any time Simon Cowell says any of the following:

- “I’m going to agree with [dramatic pause]… (insert other judge’s name here)”

- “Having said that…” (Cowell’s patented stroke/slap technique)

- “I liked you last week, I loved you this week”

- “Here’s why I like you…”

Dannii Minogue & Cheryl Cole:

- Take a drink every time Dannii Minogue tells the truth followed by an awkward silence as no one else agrees with her.

- Take a drink every time Cheryl Cole responds to a question without actually answering the question asked

- Or Cheryl refers to one of the contestants “a little star” or by telling them they “look like a (pop) star”

Dermot O’Leary:

Take a drink whenever Dermot O’Leary:

- Calls a male contestant “buddy” or a female contestant “hun” (make it a shot if his speech impediment makes it sound like he called them “cunt”)

- Does his girly twirl at the start of the show or whilst introducing a performer.

IN GENERAL:

Drink whenever:

- During shouty voiceover man’s recap at the start there’s a performance you’d completely forgotten about.

- One of the judges uses the contestant’s performance to have a go at another judge, i.e. song choice, staging etc.

- You see a glimpse of Simon Cowell’s chest hair.

- The contestants/judges mention the contestant’s home town either during their VT or after the performance (down your drink if they manage to sneak it in during the performance).

- A contestant cries. (do a shot if a judge cries [it will usually be Cheryl Cole])

- Brian Friedman or one of the judges mentions in the VT before the performance that the contestant is “taking a risk” and/or something about “pulling it off…”

- The words “current, unique, contemporary” are uttered by any judge. (finish your drink if all three are used in the same critique)

- Do a shot:

- Whenever Cheryl does her Dad’s Army salute.

- If Louis is wearing a bowtie that makes him look like a kid’s magician/paedophile.

- Whenever Simon makes a not-so-subtle dig at Louis’ age and/or sexuality.

- Every time Simon refers to Cheryl in some sort of flirty but condescending way i.e. “this one” / “madam”

- Whenever Brian Friedman appears in a VT with his hood up.

- If Cowell uses “karaoke” to describe a performance (make it a double if he uses a metaphor to do it that essentially means the same thing i.e. “cruise ship”)

- And you should put a shot in your drink and down it if at any point Simon Cowell further devalues the word genius by using it to praise what is essentially a karaoke performance.

REMAINING 2010 CONTESTANT SPECIALS:

Drink if any of the following occur:

Matt Cardle

- Makes a praying gesture with his hands during feedback.
- Wears his hat during his performance.
- The words painter and/or decorator are uttered at any point during his segment of the show.

Cher Lloyd

- Does her John Wayne/just shat myself walk whilst performing.
- Makes a face like she’s having a stroke whilst ‘rapping’/singing.
- Her age is referred to by either Dermot or a judge.

Katie Waissel

- Looks close to a full blown nervous breakdown at any point.
- Judges make reference to how ‘nice’ she really is.

One Direction

- Bounce around like excitable puppies at any point during their song – even if the song doesn’t warrant that sort of reaction.
- The blonde Irish one punches the air, smiles inanely and looks across enthusiastically at his bandmates.

Wagner

- You can’t understand what he’s saying/singing.
- Gets a bit too familiar with one of his female backing dancers.
- Dermot tries to wriggle away as Wagner tries to put his arm round him after the performance.

Mary Byrne

- The words Dublin and/or Tesco are uttered at any point during her segment (to be used independently of the main point about hometowns, so drink twice)

Rebecca Ferguson

– The word Liverpool is uttered at any point during her segment. (see above for home town rules)
- Cheryl goes out of her way to prove that she gives Rebecca as much time as Cher.
- The judges make some sort of reference to what a “normal girl” she is.

The X Factor airs Saturdays @ 8pm on ITV1


2 comments:

  1. def a joke now. too many groups that are against things like xfactor voting for wagener. just look on FB. but they seem to forget that every vote they make is another quid in simon cowells pocket. doing the exact opposite of their initial intentions. Matt to win!

    http://www.mattcardle.info/

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's always been a joke. Just print out this game, get yourself a drink and to quote Simon Cowell "embrace the madness" - damn now I have to do a shot!

    ReplyDelete

 
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