Tuesday, 17 November 2009

I'm a Nonentity...

Brian Paddick, Nicola Mclean, Carly Zucker, David Van Day…

You may think it would have been impossible for ITV to out Z-list last year’s ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ line-up this year… but you would be wrong.

This year’s crop of jungle dwellers read like a who’s who of the people Burnley council passed over to turn on the Christmas lights this year (instead opting for someone in a Peppa Pig costume – I shit you not).

The whole ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ name has become a long-running joke, in that the people selected are celebrities in the absolute loosest of terms – anyone with an ounce of self-respect, not desperately in need of money or with a career still in tact would never, ever lower themselves to the level of biting into raw Kangaroo balls while Ant & Dec piss themselves laughing in the corner.

And this year’s line-up really is the lowest of the low when it comes to the celebrity fame scale – this year is almost as bad as the year they had a nightclub promoter on (Fran Cosgrave). It won’t be long before they have the guy on who punched Leona Lewis – imagine how great that would be watching that scumbag getting pecked by Ostriches.

I’ve never really got into ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ and I’m a bit of a sucker for shit reality TV so I don’t quite know why, especially seen as it’s hosted by Ant & Dec (who I love). The Geordie boys are by far and away the best thing about the show, how they get away with the utter sarcasm they display and the merciless mocking off the contestants is beyond me, but it definitely makes for much more enjoyable viewing.

It got me to thinking how much the likes of ‘Big Brother’ and even ‘X Factor’ would be improved if they hired people who just mercilessly mocked the contestants, imagine the ‘Big Brother’ voice over guy: “Day 54, Bubble comes to the Diary Room… the twat” or shouty ‘X Factor’ man, “Cheryl and the boys… who have no chance of winning”.

As I said this year’s bunch of desperate liggers really are a collective who’s who of nobodies, including one guy who I’ve never even heard of, let’s have a quick run through:

Sam Fox – famous for getting her admittedly impressive wabs out in the 80s, having a shocking pop career and then abysmally co-hosting the Brits one year with Mick Fleetwood. Fox is somewhat of a pop culture icon in this country and is at least deserving of the celebrity moniker, or at least used to be.

Kim Woodburn – one half of those annoying bints off ‘How Clean is Your House’. That’s about all I know as I’m a heterosexual male.

Lucy Benjamin – used to be in ‘Eastenders’ and dated Steve McFadden both on the show and in real life until he got exposed as a dogger by Pulitzer winning News of the World (sadly only in real life – how great a storyline would that have been though – “who dogged Phil Mitchell?”)

Sabrina Washington – one of the members of Mis-teeq that aren’t Alesha Dixon.

Camilla Dallerup – used to be on ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and actually won the trophy last year with the awful Tom Chambers… but come on, she’s on a reality show by being on a reality show. This is almost as bad as when Brendan Cole was on ‘Love Island’ – I tell you what though if Camilla runs through the jungle in her underwear a la Brendan I may forgive her involvement.

Colin McAllister – One half of Channel 5 hosting duo and lovers Colin & Justin – I honestly have no idea what type of show it is they host – didn’t they host one of the series of ‘The Farm’?

Justin Ryan – The Justin from the aforementioned Colin and Justin.

George Hamilton – The token obscure-to-most-of-the-UK US TV star (see also Takei, George and Fargas, Antonio). Far too legendary to be appearing alongside most of these nonentities – must be desperate for the cash.

Stuart Manning – is off ‘Hollyoaks’, need I say more.

Gino D’Acampo – Chef I’ve never heard of (see also Burton Race, John)

Jimmy White – Legendary Snooker player and all-round nice guy, the token sportsman. Should do well but ultimately won’t win – much like his career at the table.

And then of course we have Jordan. Yes fresh off having her ass handed to her by Chelsea Handler on ‘Chelsea Lately’, Katie Price tries to prove why she deserves her Mum of the Year crown back by abandoning her kids for 3 weeks and heading to the jungle.

ITV are obviously sticking her in there in a desperate attempt at damage control to save the cash cow that is her never-ending stream of lobotomising reality docs. Hopefully the sight of her stuffing balls and penises in her mouth won’t redeem her in the eyes of the public, but I suppose that’s how she got her career in the first place… so why won’t it work again?

Her excuse for going in “for closure” is the biggest load of shit I’ve heard since JLS’ latest single. This has already become the Katie Price show and could easily be another instalment of her reality series ‘Katie in the Jungle’. I just hope she proves herself to be the awful woman that deep down we all know she is.

As predicted, the public are already inflicting trials on her and that will no doubt continue for the foreseeable future, but if she faces them without moaning and succeeds it could very well switch opinion on her as ITV are no doubt praying.

It comes to something that to make the public like you again – you have to humiliate and torture yourself, but she’s tried everything else – rape claims, discussing her miscarriage, dating a cross-dresser so why not munching on an alligator dick on prime time TV…?

Other Musings:

- Calvin Harris deserves an MBE for his pineapple-based antics on ‘X Factor’.

- ‘Dollhouse’ had been circling the drain for a while and now the inevitable has occurred and Fox have cancelled it. The show is currently on hiatus, but the remaining episodes will air eventually – I think everyone involved on the show knew this was coming sooner rather than later so I hope that Whedon and co. ended the season on what would also be a fitting end for the series.

- ‘Curb’ gave us another great episode this week and amazingly featured Rosie O’Donnell in actually funny shocker. We also had some classic Ted Danson and Larry introducing us to a great way of remembering who people are in your phone – Denise Handicapped, Wendy Wheelchair.

Oh, and there was also the triumphant return of the mighty Leon.

- It’s taken me a while to get around to watching ‘Breaking Bad’, but it has definitely lived up to the hype. Bryan Cranston is mesmerising in the lead role and is virtually unrecognisable from the Dad in ‘Malcolm in the Middle’. The show is funny, poignant and dark as hell and I already can’t wait to watch the next episode.

- The brilliant ‘Generation Kill’ came to an end this week. This exceptional HBO mini-series really went from strength to strength and Alexander Skarsgard put in a star-making performance as Sgt. Brad Colbert.

I expected nothing less than genius from the guys behind 'The Wire' and they duly delivered – I can’t wait to see what they do next.

- As you all know, I enjoy a spot of Horse Racing, and the all-conquering Kauto Star returns to action this weekend in the Betfair Chase – I for one cannot wait to see one of the best racehorses I’ve ever seen back on the track.

TV Moment of the Week:

- Malcolm terrorising Phil on 'The Thick of It':

“You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT… and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg, whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right? Now get out of my fucking sight."


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