Thursday, 16 April 2009

The Wit & Wisdom of Malcolm Tucker

On 17th April 2009 one of the greatest comedy characters ever created makes his triumphant return to our screens as Machiavellian spin doctor Malcolm ‘The Enforcer’ Tucker is set loose on the big screen with the release of ‘In the Loop’.

‘In The Loop’ is, for all intents and purposes, a big screen version of the greatest British comedy in recent memory ‘The Thick of It’. One of the prime reasons for ‘The Thick of It’s greatness is Alastair Campbell based godfather of spin, the brilliantly sweary Malcolm Tucker played by Peter Capaldi in a performance for which he deserves award after award.

To honour the release of ‘In The Loop’, Tucker’s return and to celebrate the recent announcement from creator Armando Iannucci that ‘The Thick of It’ will also indeed be returning - hopefully by the year’s end, I decided to put together a list of Malcolm’s greatest moments form the first season of ‘The Thick of It’ and the two subsequent specials that we were treated to, and in the process hopefully try and highlight some of the wit and wisdom that this great man has to instil in us all. So to quote the man himself “Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off…” and enjoy…

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you:

“He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo”

“He’s a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie’s biro”

“Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge twat…”

“Excellent. You win a year’s supply of condoms, which in your case is four…”

“…And what did that sandal wearing nonce have to say…?”

“That is not fucking funny you retard…”

“I’m really sorry, you won’t hear anymore swearing from us, YOU. MASSIVE. GAY. SHITE. FUCK OFF!”

“Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?”

“I'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have type 2 diabetes.”

“I’m sorry mate but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head! …And who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? I mean, it's terrible… All this, hands are all over the place… You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work…”

“Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking ‘Blue Peter’ badge wearing ponce... Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat that a whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me...”

“What you doing out your Petri dish…?”

“Okay twat weasel, you got that…?”

“Don't you ever, ever, call me a bully… I'm so much worse than that”:

“…Because, you know, if she did that she’d be dead to me, to this department, to the government and she’d never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story so long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster…”

“We’re gonna get this tosser… Don’t you worry – he’ll be at The Sport photo-shopping the tits of ‘Hollyoaks’ extras by the end of the month.”

“You have got 24 hours to sort out your policy… Or you’re for the Halal Butchers…”

“…That way we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt’s Cornflakes… Sadly, only metaphorically.”

“You’re gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollope in the stocks…”

Olly: “She’s not my girlfriend Malcolm…”
Malcolm: “Well you won’t mind if I kill her then will you…?”

“You tell your corporate affairs people, otherwise I’m going to come along there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them…”

“Julius Nicholson, right, blue sky thinker, ex-business guru, dog rapist… He’s been a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze this department so hard that you’ll be lucky if you’re left with one bollock between the three of you…”

“Did you ever travel 100mph head first through a tunnel filled with pig shit because that’s what’s going to happen to you tonight…”

“I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? …And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what it means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, ok…?”

“What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than Ron Jeremy. And with less warmth…”

“If you don't go and get me some cheese, I’m gonna rip your head off and give you a spinedectomy…”

“Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it…”

Malcolm on Malcolm:

“I booked you in for the usual soapy tit wank farewell at number 10”

“I’m connected, I’m plugged into the matrix, I am the matrix!”

“I can only cook with what I’ve been given, you know, it’s like ‘Ready, Steady, Cook’, you give me Hugh Abbot I’ll give you bangers and mash… But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well, then I can raise it to a fucking risotto and scallops.”

“NoMFuP – N.O.M.F.P. Not my fucking problem…”

Olly: I didn’t want to interrupt you; I never know what you’re doing…”
Malcolm: Yeh, well if the PM’s giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up.”

“There’s nothing you know that I don’t know, I'm Doctor fucking know…”

“Fuck you, Andy-Pandy, I AM the loop.”

Other Miscellaneous Profanity:

“We put out the story the way we want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle…”

“That door is staying as open as a fat whore’s bone hole…”

“How much fucking shit is there on the menu and what fucking flavour is it!?”

“What’s the story in Bala-fucking-mory…?”

Malcolm: “I’m gonna have a swear box installed on Monday by the way…”
Hugh: “What…?”
Malcolm: “I’m fucking joking you twat…”

“I guess that means that you’re standing in the chamber in the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out, with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end.”

So there you have it: proof that we can all learn something from Malcolm Tucker, if you would like more of his enlightening insights ‘In The Loop’ opens Friday 17th April 2009.

A new series of ‘The Thick of It’ is expected on the BBC in late 2009.

Other Televisual Musings This Week:

- It was announced over the Easter weekend that one of FOX News’ band of merry Republican fluffers Glenn Beck, the network’s Chief Obama-basher, would be embarking on a stand-up comedy tour.

How on earth this is going to work I have no Godly idea as the guy is about as intentionally funny as a colonoscopy. That said, if the people out there who see FOX News for the irrational, bitter cry babies that they are decide to go along to Beck’s shows to laugh at him rather than with him then he could have the biggest stand-up tour in history on his hands!

- Over on ‘Lost’ this week we were treated to a Ben-centric episode with the bug-eyed sociopath going on a mission to be judged by the island.

Michael Emerson has managed to turn in a genuinely unsettling performance as Ben season after season. Since his arrival in season two, I’ve never trusted him – probably due to the fact I remembered his extremely creepy turn in the original ‘Saw’ - but he has amped up the mistrust levels to almost governmental standards during his time with the show, to the point where I never believe a word he says anymore.

The penultimate season is almost at it’s end now and like most people out there, I have no idea what is coming next, not just from season to season but from episode to episode. Providing the questions are answered and we get some closure come the finale of the show’s sixth and final season then those associated with this wonderful piece of television can be extremely proud of creating such a compelling, provocative and unmissable show… But if they don’t give us closure there could be worldwide rioting…

- The Paramount Comedy Channel is no more in the UK having been rebranded as Comedy Central. It makes sense really given that Comedy Central is the US equivalent of this channel and they don’t have a Paramount Comedy Channel over there, it’s still sad to see that little blue mountain that has kept me so entertained over the years gone from the corner of my screen though. It’s the end of an era, but hopefully the fact that it’s now become Comedy Central may lead to the debut of some more edgy programming on one of the best satellite channels out there.

- I’m not usually one for kids on TV, I usually find them irritating and want to punch their stupid little faces in, but Don Draper’s son on ‘Mad Men’ is so unbelievably cute it’s ridiculous, and I feel for the little guy having a womanizing, emotionally disconnected, booze soaked Father and a Mother who is clearly clinically unbalanced.

Elsewhere on what is perhaps the most consistently brilliant show on TV, the weird Judge Reinhold lookalike from Betty’s equestrian club has slithered back onto our screens – he gives Ben Linus a run for his money in the creepy stakes, and is it me or does the more we see of the equestrian club make it look more and more like a scene from a German porn film? And Sterling-Cooper’s womanizing boss man Roger Sterling announced that he was leaving his long-suffering wife for Don’s pointy-boobed secretary, as you can imagine, Don, and especially Sterling’s wife, were not best pleased.


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