The Real McCoy - How the BBC & Sports Personality of the Year Screwed AP

This week the BBC announced the ten finalists, who would make up their ‘Sports Personality of the Year’ voting, and quite frankly I’m appalled; not so much at who is in there, but rather at who isn’t.

First of all I don’t see the need to narrow the field down to a final ten – it’s almost as though they think the public are so stupid they couldn’t decide of their own free will and need a shortlist…

…Actually come to think of it, they’re probably right on that count. It doesn’t alter the fact that it’s another nail in the coffin of intellect though as the ‘X Factor’ generation continue to take the art of being dumb to new heights.

‘Sports Personality’ has been in a downward spiral for years though and this inane voting is the reason why – does anybody else remember when it was one of the biggest events of the year?

When I was younger I remember being glued to the TV when the show aired, to miss it was unthinkable; yet in recent years the whole thing has been a distinctly lacklustre affair that if you missed you wouldn’t really miss anything.

Much has been made about this year’s show as it, rather unfortunately for the BBC, clashes with the ‘X Factor’ final. The Beeb were reportedly outraged about the scheduling clash, but with their predictably boring and safe list of nominees for this year’s award they are seemingly intent on keeping the show that was once such a big event swimming in a sea of utter audience ambivalence. If the BBC kept the vote open to everyone until the night of the show it would at least create some intrigue.

My main beef here though does not stem from the voting system or the downhill slide that the ‘S.P.O.T.Y.’ broadcast has been on in recent years, it is born of the criminal omission from the ballot of one Tony McCoy.

As you all know, I’m a big Horse Racing fan, but I’ve no love lost for McCoy –he has an infuriating habit of screwing me over when I’ve backed against him and then letting me down spectacularly when I’ve backed him, so this isn’t some hero worship masturbatory spiel about my idol.

Taking my gambling bitterness aside though, it is impossible to deny that this man is a great champion, a fabulous ambassador for the sport and one of the most successful sportsmen the UK has ever, and probably will ever, see.

Simply put: Tony McCoy is a living legend.

But maybe that’s why he’s been repeatedly ignored for this award – he’s a success. To me ‘Sports Personality of the Year’ should be about celebrating winners and champions with great personality who have really excelled in their field, yet year on year the front runners for the award these days seem to be perennial failures, that’s the attitude of this country all over though (but that’s another rant for another time).

This year Tony McCoy rode the 3,000th winner of his career. The 3,000th - just stop for one minute and try and fathom just how incredible a feat that is - 3,000.

This past year also saw McCoy crowned champion jockey for the National Hunt season for the 15th straight year – that’s like Jenson Button winning the driver’s championship fifteen years in a row, imagine the media frenzy there’d be if that happened.

You’d think someone who had achieved as much as AP McCoy would become a mercenary and only appear for the big events, but no, he is out there week in, week out at the distinctly unglamorous likes of Huntingdon, Fontwell and Leicester just to ride for no other reason than that this is what he loves doing. Maybe that’s why he’s ignored though – his success is on show all year, and not always at glitzy events, he isn’t limited to the odd mass hysteria event like some of the others the Beeb have nominated.

Yet in spite of all his success, Tony McCoy remains one of the most honest, down to earth sportsmen you will ever see – he is a fantastic role model to every aspiring young jockey and sportsperson out there. Yet for some reason the BBC continue to overlook this unparalleled champion; all I can assume is that it’s because he’s from the rather unfashionable world of Horse Racing.

If a Footballer had experienced Tony McCoy’s success, he’d be demanding pay rises, punching paparazzi, spitting his dummy out & going AWOL when he doesn’t get his way and being papped sticking his camera phone up Danielle Lloyd’s cooch.

You would think the BBC of all people would want to give Horse Racing all the exposure they can, given that they have the rights to a number of the season’s big races. But instead, they overlook a man who has worked his ass off for almost two straight decades and could spark wider interest in the sport through his achievements in favour of a teenage boy who jumped off a plank into some water – are they trying to appeal to the tween crowd?

I’m not here to belittle anyone’s achievements (which I have blatantly just done and will undoubtedly end up doing again anyway) but the majority of the final ten are no more deserving than McCoy, in fact half of them haven’t achieved anything nearly as stratospheric as the Champion jockey has this year.

Let’s have a run through of the final ten:

- Jenson Button
- David Haye
- Mark Cavendish
- Phillips Idowu
- Tom Daley
- Andy Murray
- Jessica Ennis
- Andrew Strauss
- Ryan Giggs
- Beth Tweddle

Don’t get me wrong they all, in some way, do deserve great recognition for their achievements, but so does Tony McCoy – it might not matter to him or make a difference to how he feels about his career success, as I think he made peace with the lack of acknowledgement from outside Racing along time ago, but it sure as hell matters for Horse Racing.

It is Tom Daley’s inclusion coupled with McCoy’s omission that is the major sore point for me here. Sure, Olympians are always in there these days (since we started actually winning things recently) but for a fifteen year old boy to be included on this list while McCoy is left out is an utter farce, irrespective of what he’s achieved this year. Tom Daley will undoubtedly win ‘Sports Personality’ one day but this is akin to Sven taking Theo Walcott to Korea – too soon.

It was in the news earlier this year that Daley was being bullied at school, and ironically the BBC recently ran a campaign called Bullyproof that was aimed at cutting out bullying. If Daley was being bullied after winning gold medals, what do the BBC think those same bullies are going to do with that ‘Sports Personality’ trophy if he wins?

In terms of a ‘Sports Personality’ winner, it has to be Ryan Giggs for me. Giggs is the footballing equivalent of Tony McCoy – loyal, respectful, successful and someone you’d actually want your kids to look up to.

Giggs is a dying breed – the quintessential gentleman in a sport that is very rapidly losing all sense of right and wrong; he has been a fabulous servant to the game and richly deserves an honour such as this bestowing upon him.

This isn’t about who is on this list though, it’s about who isn’t. The Racing Post recently devoted their front page to trying to drum up support for McCoy in the 'S.P.O.T.Y.' voting, but even the man himself knew it was a waste of time.

He’s quoted as saying at the weekend when asked about ‘Sports Personality’:

“I'm not going to be involved in it, so it doesn't really matter, does it? …I was third in 2002 but if Frankie Dettori never won it for riding seven winners at Ascot, then no jockey's going to get involved in it. He's our biggest personality by a long way…”

The man has a point. I’m under no illusions, had he been included on the final shortlist, McCoy would never have won; but it would have been nice for this fantastic champion and for the sport of Horse Racing had he been recognised for such an incredible achievement that will in all honesty probably never be replicated in our lifetime.

The BBC know better than anyone just how hard McCoy works, he is out there in all conditions competing in one of the most unpredictable and dangerous sports virtually 365 days a year – can you even imagine another sportsperson with dedication like that?

His snub must be down to Racing’s dour image. Sure every now and again an Aintree Ladies’ day will attract a Coleen Rooney and some slappers on a hen party and grab a few headlines in The Sun but beyond Grand National, and to a lesser extent, Gold Cup Day, Racing very rarely grabs the sporting headlines and sparks public interest for the right reasons and is still ignored by the masses as an ‘old man’s sport.

I can’t help but feel that the Animal Rights issue has a hand in Racing’s failure to appeal universally. There is far too much ignorance out there from people who love to get on their high horse (pun intended) about how ‘cruel’ this sport is when if they really looked at the sport they would see that these horses are treated with more love and respect than other sportsmen show their team mates – you only have to witness Paul Nicholls’ tears on Saturday to see that (but we’ll get to that in a minute).

The British Horse Racing Authority is reportedly keen to raise the profile of the sport and if they are successful then maybe we will one day see Tony McCoy recognised outside of Racing for his fantastic sporting achievements, I fear that day could be a long time coming though as the BHA have one hell of a fight on their hands to make Racing as popular as the likes of the resurgent F1.

It’s a crying shame that Racing isn’t getting more widespread media coverage because Saturday saw one of the greatest sporting performances I have ever witnessed.

Emotional was not the word as Denman roared home demolishing his opponents under a crippling weight in the Hennessy Gold Cup. I get goosebumps and a tear in my eye every time I rewatch this historic race as I suspect do most fans of the sport and in particular this great horse.

The story of Denman’s return to form is nothing short of amazing and he silenced every single one of his critics at the weekend in glorious style.

It’s a travesty that this wonderful performance and fantastically feel good moment won’t be appreciated beyond the Racing community, but that’s the challenge that the BHA and Racing fans face – even with great champions and awe-inspiring performances from the likes of McCoy and Denman, Racing can’t seem to crack the mainstream, so what chance does the sport ever have of being featured alongside the cool kids on the BBC’s annual celebration of sport…?

Sports Personality of the Year airs Sunday 13th December on BBC1 & BBC Radio 5 Live @ 7pm live from Sheffield Arena

Reality Round-Up:

- ‘X Factor’ finally became a competition this week as little wooden boy Lloyd, the only contestant who looked like he distinctly wasn’t having fun on stage each week, as voted off. He was unbelievably shit and should have gone weeks ago, the fact that the likes of Cheryl Cole can sit there and seriously say he was good makes me worried that everyone involved with the ‘X Factor’ has been lobotomised.

I’m still sticking by my stance from Week 1 – if this show is supposed to find the next big recording star then Danyl has to win. Like him or not, he is the most talented and will have the longest career in music.

Sure, Joe will have a great career now as well, but it will be in musicals or as Andrew Lloyd Webber’s fluffer. Joe is a great singer but he is not a pop star and although he will predictably have number ones, if he were to win he would be more Leon Jackson than Leona Lewis, where as I feel Danyl would be more the latter.

‘X Factor’s Sunday results show saw the new dark Rihanna perform and quite frankly I miss the old Rihanna circa ‘SOS’ and ‘Umbrella’; her up-tempo stuff was infectious and catchy whereas this new dark direction is just gash. I should probably cut the girl some slack though – being punched in the face by Chris Brown would give anyone a dark outlook on life.

Sunday also saw Alicia Keys perform and as hot as she looked, every time I see her I think of the Saddam Hussein-Dog hybrid from ‘Hot Shots Part Deux’ for some reason. I’ve desperately tried to find a picture to showcase this resemblance but have thus far been unsuccessful.

- Over on ‘Strictly’, sadly no one had the balls to dance to ‘Jailhouse Rock’ in honour of Ricky Whittle spending the night in the slammer late last week. It looks as though Whittle’s brush with the law may have cost him the ‘Strictly’ crown though as Ali Bastian now seems like the most likely to win going off the judge’s scores and public voting.

Bastian seems to be scored too highly every week though if you ask me, I’d personally prefer to see Chris Hollins go on to win now. He’s easily the most improved and has really grown on me as a person, it also helps that he’s dancing with the very sexy Ola Jordan.

- And in the jungle Katie Price has pretty much ruined this season of ‘I’m a Celebrity’. Since her premature departure the headlines have dried up for the show and I honestly couldn’t tell you who was still involved.

In spite of my article the other week on the show, I’ve barely watched a minute of it, not even to revel in watching Price get Bushtuckered (to be fair though I had already seen that Dane Bowers sex tape).

Other Musings:

- I would like to extend a big thank you to the guys over at AlmeidaIsGod[dot]com for picking up last week’s open letter regarding the Almeida shaped hole in season 8 of ‘24’ and giving the article, and the blog, some great exposure on their site.

It was kind of nice heading over there and getting into a dialogue with some of the site members – it at least made me feel that I’m not alone in being disgusted with this decision to oust Tony from what could be ‘24’s swan song.

- ‘The Thick of It’ had a rare mis-step for me this week. I hate Terri with a passion (I think you’re supposed to though) so when she stood up to Malcolm I was ready to see her get some of The Enforcer’s most venomous vitriol.

Instead, he almost had a breakdown and actually showed humanity, which was just awful to watch. Here’s hoping he gets back to his ballistic best next week.

It wasn’t all bad for Tucker this week though, we at least got to hear him refer to incompetent Minister Ben Swain as a “sack of cum”.

An Open Letter to the Producers of '24'

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to address the recent revelation that the eighth season of your sublime show ‘24’ will be tragically Almeida-less.

I’m sure you are sick of hearing about the God-like Tony Almeida but I could not just sit by as you prepare to soil what looks like a blistering eighth season by leaving the heart and soul of the show on the bench.

When Tony Almeida was resurrected for season 7 thousands of Almeidaists the world over rejoiced, and although it hurt when you turned him to the dark side (and back again, several times) he eventually was at least slightly redeemed. I, like many of my fellow fans, feared the worst for Tony as we approached the 24th hour of day 7.

Given Jack’s propensity for killing those close to him, the signs were ominous for Almeida, yet in spite of indeed receiving a Bauer bullet, he lived to brood another day.

So as you can imagine it was assumed that he would be back for season 8 and his eventual redemption would occur. Yet the mighty Carlos Bernard has now announced that he will not be returning to his most famous role this year, and my impalpable excitement for the new season of one of the most consistently addictive shows on TV has now turned into contempt.

I am well aware of Bernard’s penchant for tomfoolery and the fact this may all just be a carefully crafted means of building hype and debate over the new season by riling up the rabid Tony fan base (such as myself) but I could not sit back and not address the issue.

If this is indeed a ruse then kudos for achieving your goal, but if Mr. Bernard does in fact speak the truth and he will not be returning for day 8 when the likes of Annie Wersching (Renee) and Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe) are then I believe you will have nothing short of a riot on your hands (at least in terms of a geeky blog riot)

It has long been muted that this will be the final season of ‘24’ and if that is the case then to have it Almeida-less is a crime. Our final visions of this great and deeply complex character cannot be of him being carted away in handcuffs ranting like a mad man – the character, and the fans deserve better than that.

If there is in fact a season 9 down the line then this current stinging will be soothed slightly should season 9 include a certain soul-patched bad ass, but there’s no escaping the fact the upcoming season 8 is going to fall way short of what it could have been if there is no Tony.

You have delivered us one of the greatest shows on TV now almost a decade and for that I thank you but the decision to leave Almeida out of season 8 would be the worst decision you have made for this show since you (fake) killed him off mid-way through season 5 (and look how season 6 turned out without Tony).

I thank you for your time and hope that this potential catastrophe can be avoided.

Yours Faithfully,

Gareth Bunkham

Other Musings:

- The Jerry-Larry banter on last week’s ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ was a joy to behold. If this is what these two are really like together then it must have been a hell of a place to work on the set of ‘Seinfeld’.

Their back and forth combined with some very funny, mildly offensive, Catholic-baiting made for what was probably the strongest episode of the season so far.

- Ed Norton turned up on ‘Modern Family’ this week in what has to go down as one of the weirdest cameos ever. Playing a tone-deaf (fictional) member of Spandau Ballet – yes you read that right!

His English accent was fucking horrendous (but that was the point, I think) and he gave a very funny performance on a show that is consistently the only sitcom on TV that can even hold a candle to ‘Curb’ or ‘The Thick of It’…

- Speaking of ‘The Thick of It’ this week’s episode featured rather less Malcolm than I would ordinarily care for, although when he went into full Tucker mode at the end it kind of made up for it, but was still a great episode.

Keeping the opposition involved was a smart move and including, show super-fan Richard Bacon was a nice touch. This episode actually featured a main writing credit for my former university tutor Roger Drew and his writing partner Will Smith (no, not that one) who also plays Phil on the show which made me feel somewhat pleased – these are two very funny writers who deserve a great deal of success.

- ‘FlashForward’ is continuing to disappoint me. I had such high hopes for this show but if ABC are grooming this as ‘Lost’s replacement they are going to be in for a shock because this is no ‘Lost’.

‘Lost’ too has a large ensemble cast and the problem with ensembles is that you have too give time to each of the characters and while ‘Lost’ somehow manages to make each character interesting, there are too many people in ‘FlashForward’ that I don’t care about.

Couple that with the fact that nothing seems to have happened for the last two weeks and this show seems to be in trouble. A hiatus is looming so hopefully when ‘FlashForward’ returns (presumably after Christmas) we’ll be getting less Bryce love story and more revelations about just what the hell is going on – because at the moment I’m not intrigued I’m just bored.

- John and Edward finally bit the dust on the ‘X Factor’ last weekend; the twins had a good run though and hogged headlines for weeks. Yet in spite of all their column inches no one seemed to pick up on the fact that one of Jedward is a bit slow.

I’m not sure which one it is (John?) but one of the twins has definitely been dropped on his head as a baby – always a beat behind on the dances, slower to react to questions and a note behind on the singing, you wouldn’t necessarily notice it straight off but watch any of their performances back and you’ll see what I mean.

All mocking aside though, they were the only ones bringing a bit of entertainment to the show to cut through all the back-biting, manipulation and falseness. They will be missed...

TV Moment of the Week:

- Larry’s splash back making Jesus weep on ‘Curb’ – you have to see it to appreciate it.

I'm a Nonentity...

Brian Paddick, Nicola Mclean, Carly Zucker, David Van Day…

You may think it would have been impossible for ITV to out Z-list last year’s ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ line-up this year… but you would be wrong.

This year’s crop of jungle dwellers read like a who’s who of the people Burnley council passed over to turn on the Christmas lights this year (instead opting for someone in a Peppa Pig costume – I shit you not).

The whole ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ name has become a long-running joke, in that the people selected are celebrities in the absolute loosest of terms – anyone with an ounce of self-respect, not desperately in need of money or with a career still in tact would never, ever lower themselves to the level of biting into raw Kangaroo balls while Ant & Dec piss themselves laughing in the corner.

And this year’s line-up really is the lowest of the low when it comes to the celebrity fame scale – this year is almost as bad as the year they had a nightclub promoter on (Fran Cosgrave). It won’t be long before they have the guy on who punched Leona Lewis – imagine how great that would be watching that scumbag getting pecked by Ostriches.

I’ve never really got into ‘I’m a Celebrity…’ and I’m a bit of a sucker for shit reality TV so I don’t quite know why, especially seen as it’s hosted by Ant & Dec (who I love). The Geordie boys are by far and away the best thing about the show, how they get away with the utter sarcasm they display and the merciless mocking off the contestants is beyond me, but it definitely makes for much more enjoyable viewing.

It got me to thinking how much the likes of ‘Big Brother’ and even ‘X Factor’ would be improved if they hired people who just mercilessly mocked the contestants, imagine the ‘Big Brother’ voice over guy: “Day 54, Bubble comes to the Diary Room… the twat” or shouty ‘X Factor’ man, “Cheryl and the boys… who have no chance of winning”.

As I said this year’s bunch of desperate liggers really are a collective who’s who of nobodies, including one guy who I’ve never even heard of, let’s have a quick run through:

Sam Fox – famous for getting her admittedly impressive wabs out in the 80s, having a shocking pop career and then abysmally co-hosting the Brits one year with Mick Fleetwood. Fox is somewhat of a pop culture icon in this country and is at least deserving of the celebrity moniker, or at least used to be.

Kim Woodburn – one half of those annoying bints off ‘How Clean is Your House’. That’s about all I know as I’m a heterosexual male.

Lucy Benjamin – used to be in ‘Eastenders’ and dated Steve McFadden both on the show and in real life until he got exposed as a dogger by Pulitzer winning News of the World (sadly only in real life – how great a storyline would that have been though – “who dogged Phil Mitchell?”)

Sabrina Washington – one of the members of Mis-teeq that aren’t Alesha Dixon.

Camilla Dallerup – used to be on ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and actually won the trophy last year with the awful Tom Chambers… but come on, she’s on a reality show by being on a reality show. This is almost as bad as when Brendan Cole was on ‘Love Island’ – I tell you what though if Camilla runs through the jungle in her underwear a la Brendan I may forgive her involvement.

Colin McAllister – One half of Channel 5 hosting duo and lovers Colin & Justin – I honestly have no idea what type of show it is they host – didn’t they host one of the series of ‘The Farm’?

Justin Ryan – The Justin from the aforementioned Colin and Justin.

George Hamilton – The token obscure-to-most-of-the-UK US TV star (see also Takei, George and Fargas, Antonio). Far too legendary to be appearing alongside most of these nonentities – must be desperate for the cash.

Stuart Manning – is off ‘Hollyoaks’, need I say more.

Gino D’Acampo – Chef I’ve never heard of (see also Burton Race, John)

Jimmy White – Legendary Snooker player and all-round nice guy, the token sportsman. Should do well but ultimately won’t win – much like his career at the table.

And then of course we have Jordan. Yes fresh off having her ass handed to her by Chelsea Handler on ‘Chelsea Lately’, Katie Price tries to prove why she deserves her Mum of the Year crown back by abandoning her kids for 3 weeks and heading to the jungle.

ITV are obviously sticking her in there in a desperate attempt at damage control to save the cash cow that is her never-ending stream of lobotomising reality docs. Hopefully the sight of her stuffing balls and penises in her mouth won’t redeem her in the eyes of the public, but I suppose that’s how she got her career in the first place… so why won’t it work again?

Her excuse for going in “for closure” is the biggest load of shit I’ve heard since JLS’ latest single. This has already become the Katie Price show and could easily be another instalment of her reality series ‘Katie in the Jungle’. I just hope she proves herself to be the awful woman that deep down we all know she is.

As predicted, the public are already inflicting trials on her and that will no doubt continue for the foreseeable future, but if she faces them without moaning and succeeds it could very well switch opinion on her as ITV are no doubt praying.

It comes to something that to make the public like you again – you have to humiliate and torture yourself, but she’s tried everything else – rape claims, discussing her miscarriage, dating a cross-dresser so why not munching on an alligator dick on prime time TV…?

Other Musings:

- Calvin Harris deserves an MBE for his pineapple-based antics on ‘X Factor’.

- ‘Dollhouse’ had been circling the drain for a while and now the inevitable has occurred and Fox have cancelled it. The show is currently on hiatus, but the remaining episodes will air eventually – I think everyone involved on the show knew this was coming sooner rather than later so I hope that Whedon and co. ended the season on what would also be a fitting end for the series.

- ‘Curb’ gave us another great episode this week and amazingly featured Rosie O’Donnell in actually funny shocker. We also had some classic Ted Danson and Larry introducing us to a great way of remembering who people are in your phone – Denise Handicapped, Wendy Wheelchair.

Oh, and there was also the triumphant return of the mighty Leon.

- It’s taken me a while to get around to watching ‘Breaking Bad’, but it has definitely lived up to the hype. Bryan Cranston is mesmerising in the lead role and is virtually unrecognisable from the Dad in ‘Malcolm in the Middle’. The show is funny, poignant and dark as hell and I already can’t wait to watch the next episode.

- The brilliant ‘Generation Kill’ came to an end this week. This exceptional HBO mini-series really went from strength to strength and Alexander Skarsgard put in a star-making performance as Sgt. Brad Colbert.

I expected nothing less than genius from the guys behind 'The Wire' and they duly delivered – I can’t wait to see what they do next.

- As you all know, I enjoy a spot of Horse Racing, and the all-conquering Kauto Star returns to action this weekend in the Betfair Chase – I for one cannot wait to see one of the best racehorses I’ve ever seen back on the track.

TV Moment of the Week:

- Malcolm terrorising Phil on 'The Thick of It':

“You breathe a word of this, to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT… and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg, whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right? Now get out of my fucking sight."

TV Highlights of the Week that Was 5th - 12th November 2009

Much like Arsenal, TV is pretty good right now; so here is a selection of highlights from the TV week that was 5th – 12th November 2009:

- Jon Stewart’s terrifyingly accurate Glenn Beck impersonation on Thursday 5th November’s ‘Daily Show’.

Using Beck’s rather unfortunate haemorrhoid surgery as a basis for mercilessly spoofing Beck’s own brand of propaganda and conspiracy theorism was equal parts hilarious and terrifying.

(check it out in this package – it’s near the end unfortunately, but there is some funny Zach Galifianakis stuff before)



- Blander than bland Lucie getting voted off ‘X Factor’. Yes, the twins are shit and yes, Simon Cowell is one of the most manipulative men in the World but when people react like this what do you expect him to do!?

As long as people continue to buy into the faux-drama of ‘X Factor’ and succumb to Cowell’s machinations he’s going to continue to pull the public’s strings like some sort of soulless puppet master.

The truth is that Cowell was right – Lucie was never going to win, in fact there are at least three acts still in the competition that bore the snot out of me week after week – Joe, Lloyd and Stacey. At least the twins are entertaining and to all those people who are outraged at Lucie’s exit because this is a “singing competition” what fucking planet are you on?

‘X Factor’ has never, and will never be a singing competition just like ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ isn’t a dancing competition they are both popularity contests and in ‘X Factor’s case – a carefully orchestrated master manipulation of the public and their utter incapability of filtering bullshit.

And can I just say, to end my weekly ‘X Factor’ rant, that I was happy to see the back of Lucie, mainly for singing a song from ‘Camp Rock’ but to all those of you who have complained be it to OFCOM or those fine purveyors of news The Sun you are playing right into the hands of the man you all claim to hate and if you can’t see that then my faith in the intelligence of the general public in this country is at an all time low.

- Jon ‘Dino Ortolani’ Seda’s waking up mid-autopsy on ‘House’. I saw this coming a mile away but it was still a great scene – mainly for Foreman’s brilliant reaction.

The reuniting of the old diagnostic team has been a nice change of pace for ‘House’ but I would assume we will be seeing Thirteen and possibly Taub again – Taub in particular had the worst exit from a show I’ve ever seen so he has to come back in not for any other reason other than for a proper send-off.

Chase slowly going off the rails has potential too as I don’t have much time for Cameron and he being all lovey-dovey and happy – his reaction to his actions in the Dibala case is about the best thing on the show right now and I’m intrigued to see how this develops.

- Larry accusing Christian Slater of bogarting the caviar at Ted Danson’s party on ‘Curb’. Slater was a somewhat strange guest star for ‘Curb’ but was very funny in his brief role.

Elsewhere we had Larry inadvertently upsetting his Doctor played by the brilliant Philip Baker Hall, some great Ted Danson-Larry interactions and, even if there was no Leon or continuation of the ‘Seinfeld’ arc, enough laughs to continue to make this one of the best seasons yet.

- Zenyatta winning the Breeder’s Cup Classic. After a bad day – make that bad weekend if you include Phil Ivey coming in a disappointing 7th in the WSOP after unluckily getting punked by AQ, it was a joy late Saturday night to watch my pick for the big race at the Breeder’s Cup meeting annihilate her male rivals.

Unbeaten in thirteen races before Saturday, Zenyatta was making the leap from racing against her fellow fillies to tangling with the men and she took to the challenge like a pig to shit.

Hanging dead last for most of the way, when they turned for home she showed a turn of foot that had to be seen to be believed and recorded a memorable victory to cap off an historic flat season. Bring on the jumps!

- Malcolm punching Glenn on ‘The Thick of It’. In what was quite unexpected but brilliantly funny Malcolm nailed Glenn on this week’s episode for daring to stand up to him.

The show seems to be more and more about Tucker now and that can only be a good thing as most of the other characters aren’t even in his league in terms of generating laughs – even Olly and Glenn seem somewhat neutered this time around.

So long as we have The Enforcer though everything is sweet (although a Jamie appearance wouldn’t go a miss) and Malcolm’s views on bloggers and people who read blogs was scintillatingly scathing and I loved every minute of it (even if I am currently trying to pass my self off as a blogger)

- The sing-alongs between the marines on ‘Generation Kill’ are continuing to be a highlight of each episode – be it ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ or ‘Tainted Love’ how the participation builds is touching and telling, and the singing itself is damn funny. GK has been a joy to watch – funny, tragic, satirical and informative it manages to seamlessly strike the right balance every time and deserves to be more widely acknowledged than it has been thus far.

One Other non-TV Musing this Week:

- The reaction to Gordon Brown spelling the name wrong of the soldier he was writing to the family of to offer condolences has been, as per usual with our media, blown out of all proportion.

Now don’t get me wrong, I remain as anti-Brown and anti-Labour as always, but give the guy a break – he’s blind in one eye, has to run the country and has himself lost a child. I say hats off to the guy for writing personally to the families of the troops, but even when he does something good like that it’s not enough – so he can’t spell very well and his 'n' may look like an 'm' but it’s not like he called her Mrs. Cunt.

I can’t help but feel that Gordon Brown could start shitting jobs and people would still be like “this job he created smells a bit nutty” – yes he’s incompetent, out of touch and basically treading water until he has to call an election but let’s keep things in proportion – there’s enough to criticise already without bringing his handwriting under the microscope.

It's Been Pretty, Pretty, Prettttty Good...

We are currently in the midst of a delicious seventh season of the wonderful ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ starring the genius that is Larry David.

I feel confident in saying that it’s not just the fact that I’ve been Jonesing for a Larry fix these last nine or so months that makes me feel like this has been the best season so far.

To celebrate ‘Curb’s glorious return I thought it an opportune time to name, and show (the odd ones I could find), some of my favourite classic Larry moments from the six (and a bit) seasons so far:

- Larry pokes ‘Producers’ co-star Ben Stiller in the eye with a kebab skewer while demonstrating his golf swing.



- Larry gets a pubic hair stuck in his throat and then gets into a fight with a nativity scene Joseph.

- Larry pays a prostitute to ride in his car in order to use the car pool lane.


- Larry inadvertently trips Shaq during a Lakers game.


- Larry steals a five wood he claims is his from a dead man’s casket.

- Larry attempts to sleep with his Hasidic Jewish dry cleaner using what can only be described as a ‘sex sheet’

- Larry adopts a ‘racist’ dog.

- Larry gets his therapist imprisoned for robbery.

Other Musings:

- We’ve got a great weekend of sport to look forward to this weekend. In addition to the usual Football shenanigans and NFL Sunday we have the World Series of Poker final table (come on Phil Ivey!), the Haye Vs. Valuev fight (which I’m predicting Haye will win on points; although I would love to see him get his ass handed to him even if I was one of the only people who found his decapitated Klitschko T-shirt funny) & the The Breeders Cup which may be lacking in the star power of last year but should still be a hell of a night of racing and is worth watching just to laugh at the American commentators.

- ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ has been hit by even more controversy if that’s possible as the public’s retarded voting habits kick in once again.

Former Footballer’s Wife Zoe Lucker got booted off in spite of being one of the stronger contestants while the utter dregs like Chris Hollins, Natalie ‘Moon Face’ Cassidy and Craig Kelly remain.

I can only assume it’s Corrie loyalist voting and his irritating habit of mentioning he’s from Blackpool more frequently than Rudy Giuliani mentions 9/11 that has kept him in this long.

Well Kelly desperately wanted to make it to the Blackpool show and now he has, at least he’ll only have a short walk of shame to make after he’s unceremoniously booted out this Saturday.

- The critically acclaimed ‘Breaking Bad’ hit Five USA this week, it has already had an airing on the brilliant FX on these shores but Five have now taken up the cause of getting this raved about show the attention it seemingly deserves; and, in the process continued it’s rehabilitation in my eyes for the abuse it has given the likes of ‘30 Rock’ and ‘Californication’.

Season 1 will get a full run until December and Five are going to follow it straight up with season 2, I don’t say it very often and I may not say it again, but kudos Channel 5.

- It was very nice to see Callum Keith Rennie in the preview for next week's ‘FlashForward’ - he's a great actor and is fresh off a brilliant recurring role in ‘Californication’ so it's good to have him back on our screens. We may soon be seeing quite a bit more of him as well as it is rumored he'll be showing up in the next season of ‘24’ as a Russian mobster.

Speaking of ‘FlashForward’ it continues to be a decent companion to Lost, albeit a campier companion, and the pieces of the puzzle are now starting to fall into place with the addition of Dominic Monaghan's mysterious Simon and the revelation that he and Lloyd had a hand in the blackout (which was pretty obvious to anyone familiar with the novel).

In a way, Benford's wall reminds me of the gash John Woo film ‘Paycheck’ where Ben Affleck has to piece together the future from a bunch of random items he has – ‘FlashForward’ does this a hell of a lot better though and is a damn sight more engrossing, but I've got to say that the production values of this one don't look as costly as ‘Lost's - but maybe that will all change when ‘Lost’ draws to a close next year.

- One of the shows I predicted would do well after my trip to America was paramedic drama ‘Trauma’ - shows what I know, it's been cancelled already!

- I happened across a stand-up special the very funny Jim Jeffries did for HBO on Comedy Central the other night. A good few years back, myself and my esteemed colleague Mr. Sam Brydges attended a comedy night at our naff local theatre Burnley Mechanics, hosted by none other than Alan Carr whose meteoric rise to fame since has astounded me and featuring one Jim Jeffries.

If Carr's ascension to prominence was impressive then Jeffries' has to be jaw-dropping because to get a HBO special is an achievement in itself but to get one when roughly five years ago you were playing to about forty people (and offending half of them [I wasn't one of them]) on a drab Sunday night in Burnley is nothing short of mind-blowing.

Jeffries 'I Swear to God' definitely lived up to expectations and must hold the record for the most uses of the word 'cunt' in one stand-up show, although, being a fan, I'd heard a few of the gags and stories before they were the pant-pissingly funny ones and were definitely a joy to hear again - including one about a particularly unfortunate masturbatory session involving a vibrating egg (which he told when we saw him at Burnley and is definitely his most memorable, and graphic, gag even if it did lose him half the audience that night).

I hope this is the start of something very big for Jeffries because he is a damn sight funnier than half of the big comedians out there and deserves to find a mass audience.

- My hatred of Cheryl Cole (part irrational, part completely deserved) is pretty well documented on these pages but I’m bewildered by just how easily manipulated the British public, and in particular ‘X Factor’ viewers, are.

Sure, we are currently drowning in an unrelenting sea of media hype for the woman with her inane grin greeting us at every turn of a page, click of a mouse or flick of a channel but I find the fact that her album has managed to fly in at number one bewildering.

The album is titled ‘3 Words’, and I have 3 Words for Cheryl myself:

Fuck

Off

Now.

- I was almost erect last week at the prospect of seeing my screen hero Christopher Walken on ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Ross’ and the living legend was no cock tease.

Now although Walken didn’t seem like he especially ‘got’ exactly what was going on in the interview and Ross sadly delivered a rather clichéd interview – his accent, impersonations, his hair etc. but the gravitas Walken carries himself with meant that the audience, the green room and Wossy himself were hanging on his every word.

I would’ve liked to see the interview go slightly longer (especially given the fact that Dominic Cooper got roughly the same amount of time) but it was great to see Walken on UK TV and for the most part being treated with the respect he deserves.

And although I called making reference to the plethora of Walken impersonations out there cliché, I couldn’t resist this opportunity to share two of the best with you:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-dtxpnjbkE

TV Moment of the Week:

- A great episode of ‘Dollhouse’ - I honestly feel maybe the best yet. I never thought I’d say this, but having less Eliza Dushku actually worked wonders for the show.

This episode gave much needed back-story and fleshing out to Sierra, Topher and even Boyd and it was captivating from start to finish. The episode was a telling example of Joss Whedon’s undoubted genius and showed just how much potential this show has when they get it right.

In spite of all the criticisms, ‘Dollhouse’ has the power to be a great show – it just needs some focus… That said if they keep churning out episodes of this quality we may yet see a third season…

The Joy of X

Being a self-proclaimed TV connoisseur I probably shouldn’t admit to watching shit reality TV, but around this time every year I can’t help but get sucked into the unrelenting media hype that surrounds ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ and the focus of this week’s blog: ‘The X Factor’.

Ever since Simon Cowell decided to scrap the old ‘Pop Idol’ format in favour of the ‘X Factor’ concept we are all now familiar with, this show has been grabbing headlines like a Max Mosley orgy.

I maintain my theory that ‘Strictly’ remains the middle class reality show where as ‘X Factor’ manages to attract not only the intelligent but also the utterly moronic – how else do you explain the voting patterns of the show and the fact that everyone who appears on the show manages to achieve chart success the following week – I honestly believe William Shatner’s rap album would get to number one if Cowell let him on ‘X Factor’.

The judging panel and presenting personnel have undergone many changes in the show’s six year run but we are currently forced to endure a completely castrated Dermot O’Leary as host, Holly Wilo-boobies on ITV2 spin-off ‘The Xtra Factor’ and a judging panel consisting of the egos of Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Tweedy-Cole.

Looking at those judges, I know what you’re thinking – isn’t this a singing contest? Well the answer to that question would be a resounding no, but that said, I think the fact that, when it comes to the judges’ comments each week, the contestants are only ever interested in pleasing Cowell proves how much the other judges’ musical knowledge is regarded.

‘American Idol’ (maintaining the old ‘Pop Idol’ formula) remains one of the, if not THE, biggest show in America – a country with notoriously fickle TV watching habits. Cowell obviously is in involved in both and has this year taken his broadest steps yet to try and make ‘X Factor’ some sort of American ‘Idol’-lite.

Check back to my March post from earlier in the year American Idol Vs. X Factor to see a comparison between the two shows.

Cowell must be smart enough to realise though that ‘X Factor’ will never be ‘American Idol’ and it is his own fault that the two can not be realistically compared – ‘Idol’ has always been about the talent, ‘X Factor’ has always, and will always, be about the judges and their colossal egos.

I hate everything ‘X Factor’ is and stands for, yet I can’t help but watch and yell expletives at the screen anytime anyone other than Cowell opens their mouth. Bound for hell he may be for creating this monster, but Simon Cowell remains the only person on that show with a tiny shred of intelligence.

My personal vendetta against Cheryl aside, she offers nothing constructive to those contestants, blindly supports her acts and then cries if she doesn’t get her own way but that said she has more right to sit on that panel than Dannii Minogue. Dannii is only on that panel because they couldn’t get Kylie – that’d be like if Alec Baldwin had turned down ‘30 Rock’ and Tina Fey had got Stephen Baldwin.

Then there’s the old Sea Lion himself Louis “I liked it” Walsh – I really wanted to feel something other than utter disdain for the man when he returned to the show after the death of Stephen Gately and I sat there and tried to like him but within four minutes his uncontrollable evil began to shine through once again.

On the presenting front, Dermot O’Leary is almost unrecognisable from the ‘BBLB’ Dermot the nation knew and loved – he has openly talked about his hatred of the show in the press yet still stands there insincerely plugging the hell out of something he doesn’t believe in week after week – they could pay me all the money in the world it wouldn’t be a substitute for being true to myself – Dermot O’Leary is one of the biggest sell-outs in the world.

I never really watch the ITV2 show but I imagine it is the standard Holly Willoughby fare – dazed expression, incoherent babbling and two bouncy breasts on glorious display for the camera.

Looking back at last weekend’s shows just makes me angry, but here are some of the things that were wrong and remain fundamentally wrong with the show (and a few things that were right).

The highlight of the show each week remains mimicking the ridiculous intros that voiceover man does and laughing every time he tries to say “Rachel Adedeji”.

It was big band week which I’d already lamented in last week’s blog but surprisingly no one did the usual dogshit like ‘Mack the Knife’ or ‘Mr. Bojangles’ – instead we were left with a bunch of songs that weren’t even swing.

This fact seemed to escape everyone though until Louis decided to go ape on Jamie Afroman for doing U2. Louis puts his point across in such a petty way that he makes it impossible for anyone to like him, he’s like a child: “it’s not fair”. He didn’t just say it once though, he went on and on about how U2 wasn’t big band and how Bono would have been appalled – I’m sure Bono is on your speed dial Louis.

He did have a point to be fair to him – U2 isn’t big band, just like Blondie isn’t disco but that didn’t stop Diana Vickers doing that for ‘disco’ week last year did it? Louis’ comments wouldn’t have made him the most vilely hypocritical man in the World if, after he condemned Jamie for not doing big band, his own act: genetic experiment gone wrong John and Edward hadn’t taken to the stage and sung a Ricky Martin song – I must’ve missed Ricky Martin’s swing album.

And if we’re being pedantic (which I am) – how is ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ big band? They really need to set some guidelines for the song choices during themed weeks or at least not have the judges sit there and have one rule for one and one for another.

But that is this show all over – how about another double standard from last weekend? The weekend before when Cheryl lost the terrible Ricky she openly and rather bitterly commented on John and Edward’s utter shitness – yet this last weekend she sat there with that false Cheshire Cat grin plastered across her face with what looked like a reject from Whitney Houston’s ‘Bodyguard’ collection in her hair and told the twin idiots how much she enjoyed their shtick.

Moving on to the results of this weekend and we have what is probably this show’s major problem – the voting. How can Danyl, who for the record is in a different league to everyone else on the show and was actually more engaging and entertaining than Westlife on Sunday’s show, end up in the bottom two when also-rans like the little wooden boy Lloyd and blander than bland Lucie sail through? It’s fucking retarded and proves the mental capacity of the people who vote on this show.

I’m a big fan of Jamie – I like his whole pub rock vibe but he shouldn’t win, Danyl should. Danyl is the only one of these contestants even close to having “the X factor” and if the show does what it is supposed to do and finds this country’s next big recording artist he just has to win, like him or not.

It was painfully clear from a few weeks in that Leona and Alexandra should win and the same applies here. That is why the conspiring and tactical voting among the judges is so appalling. I called it as soon as the vote started on Sunday night that Cheryl would send Danyl home – anyone with an IQ higher than one knows that Danyl and Miss Frank cannot be compared yet our little national treasure put the vote back on the public rather than standing up and having some balls; because she knew that if, by some miracle, Danyl had less votes she’d got rid of the surefire winner but actually hadn’t had to pull the trigger herself.

But alas, Danyl survived and Miss Frank have now gone back to their day job – scaring the Billy Goats Gruff.

Yes I hate the judges, the host, the format, the hype and pretty much everything about the show but for some reason I have to watch this infuriating spectacle.

This year’s line-up is one of the weakest I’ve seen and it honestly makes me wonder who they sent home if this is the final twelve, but out of the remaining contestants Danyl and Jamie are the best closely followed by Stacey. The rest are all just making up the numbers and need shipping out as soon as possible because only one man is worthy of winning this year’s show and it already looks like people are determined to prevent that…

Can I just remind you what happened the last time the rightful winner didn’t actually win?

Leon Jackson.

Need I say more…?

If you also want to be pushed to the brink of smashing your TV each week – ‘X Factor’ is on Saturday and Sunday night each weekend on ITV1.

Other Musings this Week:

- The ‘24’ Season 8 trailers hit cyberspace this week and make the new season look suitably awesome.

The general rule with these trailers though is that they only show footage from the four-hour premiere, which should be one hell of a spectacle if these trailers are anything to go by.

It was very nice to see Benito Martinez from ‘The Shield’ popping up in the trailer but no amount of awesomeness can make up for one very large gaping Almeida shaped hole in these trailers.

- Armando Ianucci’s sublime ‘The Thick of It’ returned at the weekend and very quickly got to work re-establishing itself as the best British comedy out there.

The new female minister is an extremely deserving recipient of Tucker’s vitriol and I look forward to several more weeks of seeing her get berated by the single greatest comedy character to emerge from these shores in years.

I’ve heard a few mumblings that critics were less than enamoured with this opening episode, which completely baffles me – but these are probably the sort of people who think Michael McIntyre is funny.

Alongside ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ and the very impressive ‘Modern Family’, ‘The Thick of It’ is conspiring to give us a rare treat of three very funny shows all airing brand spanking new episodes at the moment

- Speaking of comedy, since TV or not TV relocated, and due to our lack of a dining table, tea times have seen me regularly tuning in for ‘How I Met Your Mother’ – a show I’m pretty sure I lambasted in an earlier blog.

Well I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong, and boy was I wrong about this one – E4 billed it up as being like ‘Friends’ when they secured the rights to it but ‘How I Met Your Mother’ is far superior to it’s more famous counterpart.

Edgier, more daring, often darker and a hell of a lot funnier ‘How I Met Your Mother’ deserves a larger following on these shores and hopefully if E4 hammer it in the schedules like they do with ‘Scrubs’ and ‘Friends’ then that could very well happen.

- When I was in Las Vegas one of the songs of the holiday (i.e. songs constantly on the radio), alongside Miley Cyrus’ unbelievably, and rather annoyingly, catchy ‘Party in the USA’, was Pitbull’s ‘Hotel Room Service’.

I returned to these shores to find it pumping out on Radio 1’s playlist only to find it was a remix featuring the unholy vocals of Pussycat Whore Nicole Scherzinger. Never has a remix ruined a song more – Scherzinger’s voice is akin to having a kebab skewer slowly inserted into your ear.

TV Moment of the Week:

- James Earl ‘Darth Vader’ Jones proving he still has it with an all too brief tour de force appearance on the back to basics new season of ‘House’ as a ruthless African dictator.

Take note kids, that’s real acting.

State of TV Address

I’ve had a while now to refamiliarize myself with my surroundings and get fully up to speed (almost) on what has been happening out there in TV land, so to usher TV or not TV back into regular circulation I’ve decided to give what may very well become an annual State of TV Address.

A veritable smorgasbord of shows have returned to our screens in recent weeks, often without the slightest hype from the clueless channels we have over here – over in the US you get practically beaten over the head with the hype for new or returning shows – but my dissection of the gaping differences between UK and US TV shall be confined to last week’s post.

Instead, here are my thoughts on the current crop of shows that are lighting up, and in some cases: polluting, our screens:

Modern Family – I heard this hyped to the hilt on the radio during my trip Stateside and decided to take a punt on it Thursday as I had half an hour to kill and man am I glad I did.

The name is a little too close to ‘My Family’ which is what put me off initially but this show is the complete antithesis of ‘My Family’ – it’s actually funny. The show gives off a very ‘Arrested Development’ vibe with the whole so dysfunctional it’s bordering on the farcical family and much like ‘A.D.’ did when it dragged modern comedy out of the doldrums a few years back, ‘Modern Family’ has me very excited (and that’s not just because I get to ogle Sofia Vergara’s mammoth mammaries).

It’s brilliant getting to see Ed O’Neil back on our screens actually being funny; he is one of my favourite things about ‘Wayne’s World’ and is part of sitcom folklore for his tenure as Al Bundy on ‘Married… with Children’.

Elsewhere, the dynamic between the gay couple and the self-proclaimed “cool dad” are my highlights of this very funny show. Sky1 don’t tend to snap up sitcoms so that is a telling sign of how good this show is – check it out for yourself Thursdays @ 8pm (in between about fifteen episodes of ‘The Simpsons’).

Curb Your Enthusiasm – What can I say about this orgasm-inducing show that I haven’t said a million times before other than Larry David is an unparalleled genius.

The new season hit our shows last Thursday and it was better than ever, we haven’t even begun the ‘Seinfeld’ arc yet but I am confident that this is going to be up there as the best season so far.

Larry’s ability to take the simplest of everyday annoyances and transform it into some sort of gargantuan issue is truly something to behold. Thursday’s episode was a little light on the Leon (don’t worry he’s back on form this week) but it was heavy on everything that made us love Larry David in the first place. Rejoice fellow comedy lovers because the best sitcom in production is back and blacker than ever.

FlashForward – The most-hyped new show of the season has already been embraced en mass and is looking like it’s going to be another huge smash for ABC.

I’m already hooked, which means barring some sort of ‘Heroes’-esque capitulation in quality I’ll be hooked in until ‘FlashForward’ breathes it’s dying breath.

The cast is suitably ensemble like and thus far hasn’t made great use of many of the more interesting characters (but I have faith) my only hope is that they don’t ram Joseph Fiennes down our throat too much (no innuendo intended) as his character sadly is one of the least interesting so far. Much like Jack over on ‘Lost’ – this supposed leading man is rather dull; I’d far rather see more time devoted to the likes of John Cho’s Demetri.

Regardless of my minor quibbles this is still one of the most exciting shows to hit our screens since that brilliant (sob) first season of ‘Heroes’.

Peep Show – Along with ‘The Thick of It’ (more on that later), ‘Peep Show’ is the only truly funny comedy to come out of this country in the past decade or so and six seasons in it is still as razor sharp and stitches-splittingly funny as ever which is some feat for a British show.

Season 6 has featured glorious appearances from all the usual suspects, Johnson and Super Hans stealing the show as always. It’s a real shame that the ‘Peep Show’ run is always over so soon, because it really is a joy to have such a well written show coming out of the UK.

X Factor – The more they try to be like ‘American Idol’ the wider the gulf between the two shows becomes, ‘X Factor’ is a horrible show, manipulating the morons who populate this country and feeding the massive egos of all those involved with it… Yet I tune in every week.

Actually that’s a lie, I tune in for the live shows, but I loathe myself for doing so. The final twelve this year really are dire – the winner has to come from Simon’s group and in my eyes it can only really be Jamie Afro or Danyl.

Next week is the annual Big Band week – and all I can say is why? It’s always shit, and how far do you think we’ll we get in before someone does ‘Mack the Knife’, one of the worst swing songs of all time? I give it until one of Cheryl’s munchkins takes the stage or that cheeseball Olly.

They definitely need some new theme weeks on ‘X Factor’ – I’m still lobbying hard for Warren Zevon week – imagine how great it would be hearing one of the wannabes doing ‘Werewolves of London’ – A-woooooo!

Scrubs – The final season of this always funny show has sneaked back onto our screens with little to no fanfare, surprising really when you consider how much E4 relies on it to fill their horribly empty schedules.

I say it’s the last season, but that’s not strictly true – in their infinite wisdom, for some reason ‘Scrubs’ will be continuing beyond this season but without most of the principle cast. So I guess we should enjoy the final crop of new episodes before they ruin the legacy of this show a la what ‘Joey’ did for ‘Friends’.

Never Mind the Buzzcocks – ‘Buzzcocks’ may have now lost Simon Amstell and finally said goodbye to Bill Bailey after seasons of fleeting appearances but it remains a TV highlight and when you compare it to the likes of ‘As Seen on TV’ still sets the standard for panel shows.

Noel Fielding is a spot on replacement for Bailey and the guest host rotation managed to find a permanent replacement last time in Amstell, so you never know who may be sitting in the host’s chair next season.

Generation Kill – was a show that I has earmarked for DVD purchase, so hats off to the powers that be at Channel 4 for airing this gritty Iraq war based mini-series from the guys behind ‘The Wire’.

As you’d expect coming from the geniuses that brought us the greatest TV show of all time, ‘Generation Kill’ is an unrelenting visceral assault – funny, touching and damn scary in equal measures.

The star of the show from this bunch of relative unknowns has to be James Ransone aka Ziggy from ‘The Wire’ who stars as a motormouth marine, other familiar faces include Lee Tergesen as a Rolling Stone reporter covering the war and ‘True Blood’s Alexander Skarsgard.

If you’re looking for a overly dramatised version of the war with explosions and shoot-outs every five minutes don’t waste yours and my time, but if you want a realistic portrayal of what life is like for the young men who risk their lives across the world then dip in and check out another masterpiece from David Simon and Ed Burns.

House – now Sky1 have picked up Hugh Laurie’s acerbic MD we are finally getting up to speed with the American air dates of the show. Hence season 5 finished and we were launched straight into season 6 as House battles his demons after a stint in a mental institute.

The season openers with House at the institute were strange, in that we didn’t see the rest of the cast, save for a brief Wilson cameo yet they were pretty enjoyable ‘special’ episodes once they got going.

As for the new season: it looks like Andre Braugher is going to be making recurring appearances as House’s psychiatrist (and friend?) which is good as he is a damn fine actor. We could also be seeing some more on-off drama with Thirteen and Foreman, which I could really do without.

‘House’ still remains one of the most popular shows on TV and it’s easy to see why – drama, comedy and a great cast make it a show very easy to fall in love with. If you haven’t made an appointment yet I suggest you do so.

Lie to Me – Tim Roth’s House-lite has also had a quick turnaround on season airdates in the UK and this second season seems to have gotten off to a much darker start.

The ‘Scooby-Doo’ nature of the show that ran throughout season one also seems to have been thankfully scaled back and I suspect FOX think they are on to a winner here. Tim Roth remains superb as the face-reading Dr. Lightman but the poorly developed female characters remain an irritating distraction from Roth’s greatness.

That said, ‘Lie to Me’ remains an albeit slightly derivative cut above the usual camel dung stinking up our screens.

Dollhouse – I really want to love Joss Whedon’s latest TV effort but they are making it so fucking hard!

The first season was, by their own admission, not the best, with too many story of the week episodes but towards the end of the season as they started to focus more on the ‘Dollhouse’ mythology they seemed to hit their stride.

With that in mind, hopes were high for season 2 when it began recently… so how do they begin? By reverting back to story of the week storytelling with little to no focus on the show’s overall mythology.

It’s recently been announced that FOX have put ‘Dollhouse’ on hiatus until December so I think it’s safe to say that the bell is tolling for Echo and co. My only hope is that ‘Dollhouse’ can at least reach some of its potential before it disappears forever.

Strictly Come Dancing – The BBC’s Saturday night contender in the reality war has finally got going and although I was outraged to return from Sin City to discover that Richard Dunwoody had been voted out I’m enjoying watching ‘Strictly’ a hell of a lot more than its ITV rival.

My wager on Jade Johnson is still looking good as the Olympian continues to improve each week but it looks as though the winner has already been decided and will be either Ali ‘shagger’ Bastian or Ricky Whittle. I wouldn’t be completely against either of them winning, but Jo Wood seriously needs to go – how she remains is beyond me.

Sure, John Sergeant lasted way longer than he deserved to last year but he had likeability, Wood is not only a vacuous, gaping chasm void of personality but she’s partnered with Brendan ‘Pants Man’ Cole. I can only assume she’s riding the wave of the feminist sympathy vote much like Ulrika Jonsson did back in January. I was disappointed to see Calzaghe go last Saturday, he danced like Lieutenant Dan from ‘Forest Gump’ but he’s a good bloke and at least kept us entertained.

‘Strictly’ remains the benchmark by which these types of shows should be measured and it continues to baffle me how ‘X Factor’ continues to pummel it in the ratings, maybe my theory that ‘Strictly’ is the middle class reality show is right and the numerous nimrods that make up our population would rather sit down on a Saturday night and watch someone sing out of tune for their entertainment.

Then again maybe the opportunity to watch a couple of test tube grown simpletons dressed in red PVC doing the creepiest routine imaginable is too alluring for the majority of the country.

Other Musings of the Week:

- A new series of the best British sitcom of all time (there, I said it) ‘The Thick of It’ begins Saturday on BBC2 on Saturday @ 10.10pm. ‘Nuff said.

- I find it rather delicious that The Daily Mail is currently on the receiving end of a glorified witch hunt after it instigated its own last year with Sachsgate.

The heinous comments made about Stephen Gately by the equally odious Jan Moir have rightly been condemned pretty much universally but I think some people may have reacted a bit too strongly to her comments after all it’s only words…

- I happened to catch a bit of Jordan on ‘The Graham Norton Show’ on Monday and although she’s always looked like some sort of living blow up sex doll she was still reasonably attractive, but now she looks like some sort of grotesque clown.

She and new cross-dressing sex toy Alex Reid don’t spoil a pair – they’re two of the least convincing women I’ve ever seen.

And how the hell can that woman be up for Mum of the Year – who else is on the shortlist Casey Anthony?

- E4’s new ‘comedy’ ‘School of Comedy’ looks like it could be the least funny show of the year, in fact there were probably more laughs at Michael Jackson’s funeral.

It amazes me how utter sopping gash like this even gets commissioned and the main kid who has been featured very prominently in the ads for the show has the most punchable face to hit a TV screen since Nick Griffin's 'Question Time' appearance. He also has a voice so grating it makes me want to grate a cheese grater across my scrotum just to numb the pain.

Get this wank off my TV now!

TV Moment of the Week:

- Has to be this brilliant line from the fantastic ‘Generation Kill’ – closely followed by Larry David trying to open his vacuum-sealed SatNav pack on the magnificent new season of ‘Curb’ – as the marines rolled into Iraq, the rather unexciting nature of the whole process was captured brilliantly by Alexander Skarsgard’s Colbert (great name by the way) when he alerted his travel buddies to the exploding skyline with

“Wake up… You’re missing the invasion”

More next week...